Why You Don't Get the Results You Want Despite Your Purest Intentions.
Intention is a powerful tool to direct your attitude and actions.
Unfortunately, sometimes intention is not enough. One always needs to consider another variable – impact. This is why, despite your efforts, you may not get the results you want personally and professionally. Consider the following examples:
Your intention: you want to protect others.
One of my clients, John, had a pure intention to protect his team and, in fact, bubblewrap them. He kept jumping in and solving problems without allowing them the opportunity to try and, in the worst case, make a mistake.
He also didn't want their failure to reflect poorly on his performance as most A-type personalities do, so he never gave them stretch assignments because 'he didn't want to put them under pressure'.
The impact: you stunt their growth.
This team will be stunted in their ability to grow; autonomy is one of the drivers of motivation—the ability to make decisions and have freedom over how you do things. When someone isn't able to grow, make a mistake or be exposed to new opportunities, they will disengage.
The bigger impact for John is that he needs to enable himself to delegate so he can focus on what matters most rather than trying to do it all.
Your intention: you don't want to be a burden on others.
One of my clients, Lisa, was new to her job, so naturally, there was a gap to fill in becoming proficient in the role. Rather than ask for help, she sat with the work quietly struggling because she didn't want to burden her new team for fear they would judge her as incompetent and weak.
The impact: you create the very thing you are trying to avoid.
Lisa's stress grew because she felt useless and was late in delivering the work. The very thing she was trying to avoid – letting people down – she created by not reaching out for help.
Consider if you are comfortable asking people for help. If not, your intention might be that you don't want to appear weak. The impact is that people always assume you're fine and have it all together.
Eventually, people stop asking if you're okay because you present this perfect picture to the world; you may build up a quiet resentment and create disconnection even though this was never your true intention.
Being vulnerable has great power and strength, especially as a leader. When you make it safe to share an insecurity, you open up a safe space for others to do the same. You will not be judged; you will become more human.
Although you intend not to burden others, the impact is that you don't share your challenges. This impact prevents others from supporting you, but even more worrying is that you always feel like you need to solve everything on your own, and this is a daunting place to be.
Your intention: to keep the peace so you don't express your needs.
One of my clients, Amanda, refused to tell her husband she needed help with the kids as she was studying for a critical exam because he also has a busy career.
She also didn't reach out to her family for support with babysitting, even though they were more than happy to step in.
The impact: you leak frustration because you expect others to know what you want.
Amanda's irritation soared because she magically expected her husband to offer help. After all, 'he should know I need it; he knows about this exam'. The problem with thinking others should read our minds is that we expect a particular response.
When we don't receive this, we get angry but are often too polite to express it, resulting in irritation, snide comments and passive-aggressive behaviour.
Amanda then approached her husband and shared her stress with him; she asked if he could help out on the weekend so she could have some study time. He was happy to step in; she got what she needed without creating unnecessary conflict.
Even though your intention is not to disrupt others, the impact is that you disrupt yourself even more.
Your intention: you don't want to disappoint people, so you never say no.
Saying no is never easy, but consider why you give away your 'yes' when everything inside you is screaming at you to say no politely. Your intention is to be a good colleague, be liked and not let others down, resulting in you becoming the go-to person for everything because you never say no.
We get what we tolerate, and you teach people how to treat you. Here is an article on how to say no without saying no -- 4 Ways to Say No Without Saying No. — Beyond the Dress
The impact: you burn out and sacrifice quality for quantity.
Now, you've accepted a new piece of work, but the impact is that it places you under unnecessary pressure, and this stress leaks out to the people around you. You may rush or ignore your work to get someone else's done ahead of you and drop the ball.
Again, you have created the very thing you are trying to avoid: letting people down. But even worse, you have let yourself down by not having the courage to put your own needs first.
How many weekends do you spend at other people's activities while quietly resenting that you are there because you should have said no? The impact is that you start Monday exhausted rather than rejuvenated.
If you are saying yes out of guilt or fear, then it's probably a polite no.
Your intention: you listen to fix.
Consider the last conversation you had. Did you listen to what they were saying or think about what you could do to fix or solve it for them?
Your intention is so pure that you want to add value and help them with your brilliant advice.
The impact: the other person doesn't feel heard.
The impact is that this person doesn't feel heard, and they feel invisible. Most people don't want your advice; they want to share and be heard. Just listening without interjecting with your experience allows them to share more.
When you move into solution mode, the impact is that it feels like you are minimising their problem. Perhaps you are uncomfortable with difficult feelings and try to move things ahead swiftly.
Consider just holding space for this person- allow them to speak and support them with whatever they are going through. It can be a comment like, 'I'm so grateful you shared this with me; I can't imagine how hard it is for you'. Or let them know you are there for them.
How to bridge the gap between intention and impact.
To understand the impact of your actions, you need to make friends with empathy. What must it feel like for them? How is this affecting their work experience? Equally important is having empathy and compassion for yourself.
One leader chose to step back completely when bringing in a new manager to give her space and autonomy, but the impact is that she felt unsupported. Empathy means remembering what it was like when you first started and what kind of support you required from your leader.
The next time you hear yourself setting your intention, always consider the impact and how it will affect you and the other person. Then, you will know the way to approach the situation.
Here's to making the right impact,
Warm wishes,
Lori